


The Mating Habits of the Common Cherub

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Sex, Interspecies, M/M, One Shot, Oral Sex, Sexual Content, Xenophilia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 09:42:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/649230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A oneshot that is completely a result of watching far too much Animal Planet specials on the reproductive habits of various invertebrates.</p>
<p>
  <a>naughtyrobotics.tumblr.com</a>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mating Habits of the Common Cherub

Your name is Dirk Strider, and you aren’t entirely sure how you managed to get into this situation. But here you are, currently pressing a fucking green alien against a cold, bare wall. And somehow it’s your hands on the bulge in his pants as his talons dig into your neck. This was not what you’d planned at all.  
“Yeah, that’s right, bitch. Grab my fucking--”  
“Shut up or I’m leaving.”  
“No you aren’t.”  
Caliborn’s hands slide from your neck to your ass, and he roughly tugs you forward so that your hips meet his. Your hand slides up his firm abdomen as he grinds against you. The feeling of his hard member against yours through the fabric of your clothes makes your whole body shudder. This puts a stupid fucking grin on Caliborn’s ugly mug.  
You’re determined to wipe that smile off his face, so your hands go straight back to the zipper of his pants to find out whatever the hell his species has that passes for genitals. Your fingers wrap around something surprisingly phallic. You give it a few experimental tugs and feel it grow harder in your palm. But it wasn’t just that. Did it just get... longer?  
You drop down to your knees. Caliborn cackles like an 80s cartoon villain.  
“You do realize you’re going to be returning the favour after this, right?”  
“The fuck do you mean?”  
“I mean you’re going to be sucking me off.”  
You glance up at Cal’s face, watching the light glint off of his massive sabreteeth.  
“On second thought,” you mutter. “I’ll settle for just the tongue.”  
You unclip his suspenders and tug his pants and boxers down to his knees in one swift motion. His erect... whatever it is, seems oddly familiar. Maybe it looks like something you’ve seen on one of the more exotic sex toy sites. The ones that specialize in mythical creatures.  
“Wait,” Caliborn barks. “You’re not seriously going to put it in your mouth, are you?!”  
You glare up at him from beneath your shades and quirk an eyebrow.  
“Yeah.”  
He slaps a palm to his forehead and grins wildly.  
“Hahaha, oh my god! You crazy fucking bastard.”  
“Uh. Right.”  
You wrap your right hand around the base of his black, glistening member. Your fingers barely meet due to its girth at the point where it emerges from a slot in his hard exoskeleton. From there, it widens slighty, then tapers down to a head that resembles that of a tentacle more than that of any dick you’ve seen. Rows of small ridges run from the head to the base on either side, and as you run your thumb along them you feel him shudder beneath you. He’s already lubricated with some sort of precum. No spit required. You tighten your grip and begin to slowly stroke from base to tip, getting a feel for its shape in your hand. Despite how utterly alien and slightly disturbing his dick is, you can’t help but imagine how fucking amazing it would feel inside you. Your pants get significantly tighter.  
Cautiously, you lean in and and swirl your tongue around the head. Cal lets out a long hiss, and you can hear his claws scrape the wall. You’re surprised by how sweet the mysterious lubricant tastes. Almost like... jujubes? You begin to pump the base of his dick at a steady pace, and you slowly wrap your lips around the head to take him into your mouth. Suddenly, Caliborn’s hips buck forward violently, and his talons are now digging into your scalp. But... he’s pulling you off?  
“Fuck, dude, get off!”  
Your lips slide off his dick with a small pop.  
“Dude,” you spit. “What the hell?”  
“I-- I’m gonna cum.”  
“And?”  
“I’m not doing it your mouth, idiot!”  
“What? Okay, whatever the fuck you want, then.”  
You release your hand from his dick and stand back up, sneering as his own hand moves to replace yours.  
“Don’t know why I even bothered,” you mutter as you turn and begin to walk away, wiping the dribble of spit from the corner of your mouth.  
“Nnnng, fuck yes,” you hear behind you.  
Then you feel something sharp and wet shoot into the back of your thigh.  
You let out a wail of pain and stumble to the ground, reaching around to pull the foreign thing from your leg. You pull out a four inch long spear-like object, dripping with your blood and some sort of stringy black substance that appears to be coming from of the tip. As you hold it in your hand, more of the stuff spurts out all over your palm and fingers. Meanwhile, Caliborn is laughing his ass off.  
“What the fuck is this?!” you scream.  
“This is you becoming my bitch,” he says with a grin.  
“Did you-- Did that come out of your--”  
“Maybe I forgot to mention that my species doesn’t have a hole for fucking. We just stick that shit wherever. You either get it in first, or you’re the bottom bitch who carries the eggs. No one wants to be the bitch. No one but you, Strider!”  
“Might have helped if you’d mentioned that before,” you spit, clutching your bleeding leg.  
“Well now you know. So get the fuck back here, bitch, I’m hard again.”  
“Yeah, haha. No.”  
As you get back to your feet and aggressively limp your way down the hall, Caliborn grows visibly agitated.  
“Oh, come on, Strider! I still have, like, four rounds left. Respect my fucking anatomy!”  
Without glancing back, you flip him the most pissed off bird of your life, and vow to yourself to never nail a fucking alien ever again.


End file.
